Can you actually “simply be associates”? It sounds easy sufficient in principle: two consenting adults have intercourse, resolve it meant nothing extra, and proceed being associates. However in actuality, individuals don’t at all times do informal very nicely.
Many younger Nigerians are actually embracing extra liberal relationship practices, similar to hook-ups, situationships, and friends-with-benefits, but the emotional aftershocks nonetheless comply with. You inform your self it’s simply intercourse till one particular person begins texting much less, or you find yourself catching undesirable emotions.
For Martha, it’s all about readability. “Each events might be simply associates after having intercourse,” she says. “If each events have a mutual understanding that the intercourse is simply that, then positively sure. But when certainly one of them has even the smallest romantic emotions, that’s the place it will get sophisticated.”
When friendship meets want
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These TikTok relationship assessments are fashionable and tremendous enjoyable but additionally poisonous.
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Nigerian Ladies Reply
Some individuals imagine friendship can survive something, even intercourse. For Tolani, the reply is straightforward: “Sure, in fact. Why not? Relying on each personalities and the way it ended, friendship can nonetheless exist. However intercourse is at all times a risk to occur once more.”
That final line, “intercourse is at all times a risk,” echoes one thing many people would agree with. Intercourse, as soon as launched right into a friendship, by no means utterly leaves. It lingers within the background, ready for timing, loneliness, or nostalgia to open the door once more.
For Shade, the query isn’t whether or not friendship is feasible, however whether or not it’s vital. “It is determined by the state of affairs,” she says. “However for probably the most half, sure, I might be associates once more after intercourse, particularly if it was in a relationship. Simply because issues didn’t work out doesn’t imply we have now to be enemies.”
It’s a mature take, however not everyone seems to be that beneficiant.
When society will get in the best way
Boundaries sound good on paper. However in follow, not everybody respects them. Olivia, who describes herself as “too reasonable to play faux,” doesn’t imagine it’s that easy.
“Sure, it may well work if each events haven’t any romantic emotions they usually respect boundaries,” she says. “However we dwell in a society the place in the event you sleep with males, a majority don’t know the right way to hold their palms to themselves after it ends. They at all times assume they will get you to sleep with them once more.”
This, she explains, is the place Okafor’s Legislation is available in, a preferred Nigerian principle that when a person has slept with a girl, he can at all times do it once more. It’s been normalised in conversations, and even Nollywood portrayals reinforce this perception, which supplies some males a false sense of entitlement.
Olivia laughs bitterly as she provides, “That’s why I don’t hassle. Perhaps acquaintances, however severe friendship? I no do. For those who give males an inch, they’ll take a mile. The one time I might be associates with you is that if we’re nonetheless having intercourse. As soon as it ends, abeg, everyone go their manner.”
The emotional aftermath
For others, it’s much less about management and extra about therapeutic. Grace says it’s not even about whether or not friendship is feasible; it’s about whether or not it’s wholesome. “Regardless of how a lot you attempt to make it seem to be you’ll be wonderful, each time you have a look at him, you’re reminded of the occasions he connived and twisted his phrases simply to get his manner with you. So no, I can’t be associates with an ex sexual accomplice.”
It’s a sentiment Amara additionally shares. “We had nice chemistry, and even after intercourse, we tried to remain associates,” she says. “However one particular person at all times needs extra. You begin pretending it’s not awkward, till someday you’re avoiding one another utterly. It’s like making an attempt to unsee one thing you’ve already seen.”
Nonetheless, some individuals assume it doesn’t need to be that sophisticated.
“In fact I might be associates with an ex I’ve slept with,” says Zainab. “However provided that it wasn’t emotional intercourse. As soon as emotions enter, overlook it. But when it had been purely bodily, no strings connected, we may simply gist, hang around, no wahala. The issue is that Nigerian males connect their ego to every thing. They act like sleeping with you gave them possession. That’s the place I draw the road.”
Are you able to ever actually return?
It is determined by who you ask and what the intercourse meant within the first place. However intercourse creates an emotional document that’s arduous to erase, irrespective of how informal it felt within the second.
Friendship after intercourse requires brutal honesty, respect, and the form of emotional boundaries most individuals by no means really speak about. It’s doable, sure, nevertheless it’s hardly ever easy.
Perhaps the higher query isn’t are you able to be associates once more, however must you? As a result of as a number of of those ladies have realized, not each connection deserves a second season.
Finest associates are arduous to come back by. These are individuals in your life who you have grown to belief, worth, and love, doubtless for years. However what occurs when that final L-word, love, turns into one other: lust? Is having intercourse along with your finest pal really a good suggestion?
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First issues first: you aren’t allowed to catch emotions.
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We speak a lot about purple flags that we overlook to have a good time the inexperienced ones.
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